My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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