That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
