I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
