the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
