At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
