my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
