So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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