3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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