I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
