I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
