just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
