So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
