Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
