i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
sarcasm needs its own font
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Damn victory sex feels great
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
