Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
