i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
