I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
