I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
