Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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