Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
