Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So vagazzling was a success
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
