In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
