I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
