"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
