Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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