i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Watching her eat just hurts me
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
