I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
