Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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