in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
