So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
