Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
