Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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