I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
