He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize