Screwed.edu
i wish my penis had a tongue
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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