Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
