saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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