you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize