I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Couch. On fire.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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