True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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