I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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