I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
