I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
