I think I won the penis lottery.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
