I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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