even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Come on in and take your pants off
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