The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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