I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
