I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
