i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
What a dumb baby whore.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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