I must be too annoying 4 u.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
