Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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