My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
