Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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