officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
