i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
