did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
