I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
