They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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