He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
