he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
