I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
