woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
