She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
