who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize