I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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