I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
