i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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