people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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