In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
